


The lockbox

by sweetkisses



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe, Asexual Character, Bisexual Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier-centric, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Growing Up, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Self-Discovery, Self-Hatred, asexual Eddie, no pennywise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-02
Updated: 2017-11-02
Packaged: 2019-01-28 14:56:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12609160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetkisses/pseuds/sweetkisses
Summary: Eddie goes through a lot of pain and hate inside of himself while figuring out that he is asexual.





	The lockbox

**Author's Note:**

> Hello. Before you get started on this fic I just wanted to say a big thank you for reading this. I've been waiting to write an asexual Eddie fic and I'm happy I could finally do it. I am asexual myself and throughout the story I tried my best to express my feelings and thoughts that I went through.
> 
> This fic was supposed to be about 10k but I don't fucking know how to write short fics lol. If there is any mistakes or anything you find please let me know so I can fix them. 
> 
> The characters are based off of the 2017 IT movie. Mike goes to school with the other losers and pennywise isn't a thing. 
> 
> Every sexuality is important and if you ever need to talk about your thoughts, questions or more on asexuality you can message me on twitter or tumblr. 
> 
> My Tumblr: https://eddie-spaghetti-tozier.tumblr.com/ 
> 
> My twitter: sweetkissesdean
> 
> (sorry i still don't know how to hyperlink shit) 
> 
> Anyways! Thanks for reading this long ass note and I hope you like the fic.

Eddie has always been weird. Hell, he’s part of a group of kids that are called _the losers’ club_. He’s always been the odd one with a fanny pack that takes more pills than he takes breaths. Oh yeah, he also has that annoying asthma thing. But that gets him out of participating in gym so that’s nice. He also is a  _huge_  germaphobe; that’s the factor that Eddie likes to think started it all.

It was a Tuesday when they were fourteen and all of the losers -except Bev, the only girl- are huddled inside of Ben’s bedroom looking at a porn magazine that Richie stole from the local pharmacy. It was sunny out, not warm but not cold. Eddie was wearing shorts for some reason even though it was no longer summer. He had on a large sweatshirt that he thinks used to be Bill’s. Eddie remembers every detail about this day because this was where shit really started to go downhill for him (and that’s saying something because he’s already a short hypochondriac, asthmatic, germaphobe who is in the infamous losers’ club of Derry).

“She’s h-hot.” Bill stated with a small strain in his voice. Eddie looks up at his friends, examining them all. They have red faces with a weird look in their eye as Stan flips open the magazine. It’s Playboy, a new September issue that just came out the week before. Mike and Richie have been non stop talking about how _amazing_ the cover was when they saw it on the self in the pharmacy.

“Boobs are so nice.” Mike says as they examine the first page. Eddie looks back at the magazine with little awe. It’s a blonde girl -well the top half of her- wearing only glitter. Her breasts are huge, way bigger than Eddie thought possible, with hard small nipples. Eddie feels nothing as he looks at the picture. Sure she’s pretty but he is more interested in how long it probably took her to get the glitter off. Eddie’s mom would force him to take  _at least_  3 showers.

He shakes his head.  _Be normal, dude_.

“Turn it to the fold out,” Richie scampers, trying to turn the page but is stopped by Stan.

“No, we need to go page by page!” Stan fights back, placing a hand on the magazine so Richie can’t touch it. His finger covers up one of the nipples. The glasses wearing boy opens his mouth to fight back but Ben beats him to it.

“Can’t we just turn to fold real quickly and then we can go through the others?” Ben offers, his face seems redder than the rest of them. There a beat of silence where all the boys glance at each other, a wave of awkwardness circles around but is ignored.

“Fine.” Stan flips the magazine to the middle and unfolds the large almost poster-like picture. Everyone leans in except Eddie. In fact he takes a small step back.

“Fucking yowza.” Richie breaths out. Eddie looks at the picture, the picture that haunts him everyday and not in the good way. It’s a blonde again, her breasts perky and even bigger than the other girls. Her lower half is clean shaven and she is kneeling in a pile of what seems to be dirt. One dirt covered hand is sitting on her inner thigh. The other hand, also covered in dirt, is against her lips where her open mouth is basically eating the dirt.

 _That’s so gross_ , Eddie thinks. There are so many germs in dirt. So many unknown bugs and diseases. There could be worms in there just waiting to crawl out. God forbid they crawl out now! She’s not wearing any clothes! Eddie would die if he fell naked in dirt, he would need so many showers and shots to make sure he doesn’t die.

Suddenly the others are talking about the chick. Pointing out how hot she is and how sexy she is and how much fun they would have with her. Bill makes a comment about masturbation. That’s enough for Eddie. He doesn’t speak up, in fact he just takes two steps back and sits down at Ben’s desk chair. The boys don’t notice his absence. He looks at his friends with self-hate and wipes his sweaty hands on his jeans as his thoughts run around in his head.

Why isn’t he flustered like them? Why doesn’t he have boner? Why doesn’t he even feel that weird butterfly feeling in his stomach? Why is he more focused and worried about the dirt on the women instead of her herself? Why can’t he speak? Why can’t he join in with his friends? Why can’t he talk about how good he’ll fuck her?  _Why, why, why?_

Eddie flinches. Is it because he doesn’t like girls? He is gay right? Probably. He does think more about boys than he does about girls. Once he cuddled with Mike and Richie after a movie, he pretended he didn’t like their presence more than normally. He likes to think he was just hopped up on popcorn and candy when he debated kissing Richie that night.

Richie likes both boys and girls he told Eddie once during one of their late night walks through the neighborhood. Maybe that’s why Eddie comes to his senses so fast. He’s gay. It’s obvious. The lack of feelings he has towards the girls in the magazine are because he’s gay.

Nothing else. There’s nothing else there.

Right?

 _Wrong_.

A wave of knowing and confusion hit him. Eddie itches his arm at the reminder of the germs on her as he looks down at the floor of Ben’s bedroom. It’s dirty, needs vacuumed. He looks at the walls. They’re covered in posters and pictures, all covering up the white walls. Dirty. He looks back at his friends and the magazine. They are flipping through different girls. Dirty, so dirty.

He closes his eyes instead. The image of two boys kissing appears behind his eyes. That’s nice. Not dirty. One of the boys looks like him and the other looks like-. Suddenly they have no clothes on and they’re touching each other’s chests and thighs. Eddie watches as non-him moves his hand towards clone-him’s crotch. As soon as the hand reaches clone-him’s dick Eddie’s eyes snap open.

“ _Dirty_.” He says, finding himself standing up with all his friends’ eyes on him. They look concerned yet annoyed.

“W-what’s wrong E-Eddie?” Bill asks nicely. Eddie’s face is red as he opens his mouth but nothing comes out. What does he even say? He thinks he is gay? He feels dirty? Why does he feel dirty though? Is it because of the girl? Or because of the gay boys? Or is it the-?

“You cum in your pants already?” Richie teases, his voice odd though as if he’s nervous even to say the joke. So unlike Richie. The thought of cum in his pants makes Eddie’s head hurt. He reaches both arms up and begins to scratch at his shoulders, they feel so dirty, so many germs. Eddie hears Stan beep at Richie.

“I’m going home.” Eddie announces, his voice feels like it didn’t even come from his mouth. His dirty body -god everything is so  _dirty_  so many  _germs_. His breath is a bit heavy, his hand goes to his fanny pack, ready to grab his inhaler.

He doesn’t listen to what his friends say as he busts out of Ben’s house and bikes home. When Eddie gets home he takes an hour shower, something his mom smiles about when he gets out of the bathroom. He sits on his bed, just a towel wrapped around his waist. Eddie stares at his hands in his lap.

His breath is still heavy but nothing extreme. Usually all this thinking would be giving him an asthma attack. He looks at his inhaler on his bedside table with longing. Maybe if he had an asthma attack he wouldn’t feel so dirty. So ashamed. So curious. Yet, so... relieved?

He thinks about the two boys kissing again. He thinks about kissing another boy. Eddie smiles, feeling happy for a second. As soon as he starts thinking about the two boys doing more things -sexual things- Eddie feels his skin beginning to crawl. He feels all the germs on his body, all moving and skinning deeper into him.

Eddie takes another shower.

He doesn’t think about how when he closes his eyes he sees the two boys getting closer and closer to doing something sexual. He doesn’t think about how much his skin crawls at these scenes. He just scrubs his arms cleaner and harder. If only he could do the same for his thoughts.

*

After that night anytime Eddie thinks about two people doing anything more than kissing his skin crawls. It doesn’t even need to be boys, it's girls too or even both. His skin itches with not disgust - _no_  not that- just disinterest? Omission? He’s scared, only a bit but he’s scared for reasons he  _really_  doesn’t think about. He doesn’t think about the truth. Those thoughts he pushes back into a lockbox in his brain that’s located with a million fake lockboxes so if he does ever find the key from his large key pile he’ll still never know which box holds the truth.

“You’ve been staring at your sandwich for like five minutes are you okay, Eddie?” Bev asks. Eddie blinks twice, escaping his brain and looks at the red haired girl across the lunch table. His peanut butter and jelly sandwich almost squished between his small hands. He sets it down and puts his sweaty hands in his lap. Eddie knows he won’t eat his sandwich, it’s been contaminated with dirty sweat.

“Don’t worry about Ed’s, he’s just trying to remember all his answers on the history test. He gets his panties in a twist if he fails.” Richie butts in, nudging Eddie in the side, covering for whatever is really worrying him. He slips Eddie his unopened pudding cup, already knowing the boy won’t eat his sandwich. Eddie smiles and takes it.

“Y-yeah, you know how tests get me.” He waves his hands and Bev just shrugs before joining in on Bill and Stan’s discussion. Eddie turns his head towards Richie, the taller boy smiles at him.

“You okay, Ed’s?” He asks quietly or as quiet as Richie can be.

“Yeah,” Eddie lies through his teeth, “and don’t call me that.” He fake smiles, acting as if the tsunami in his thoughts isn’t destroying him. Richie has ketchup on the corner of his mouth, the smaller boy stares.

“I have a genius idea.” The loud boy says, just to Eddie again. The anxious boy blinks up at his friend’s eyes. He pretends his heart doesn’t ache at the word  _friend_. He adds that to a lockbox but this time he doesn’t throw away the key.

“Is it a good idea or am I going to regret everything all the way back until I met you?” Eddie grins, feeling better as he focuses on Richie. The other boy leans his head back and shakes out his curls. _Cruse him_ , Eddie blushes.

“I regret our first meeting. You fucking cried for like twenty minutes-.”

“You pushed me in the god damn mud!” Eddie yells his voice high pictured, jumping feet first into the bickering. That’s what they do, Richie and him, they bicker. That is their number one way of communication; Richie does it because he likes to tease Eddie and Eddie does it because he doesn’t like to back down from a fight. The other losers hate them for it, mostly they ignore the two boys once they get going.

“I did not fucking push you! I  _accidentally_  nudged you!” Richie says loudly, the other losers roll their eyes at the loud boy. Thankfully, no one sits next to Richie. He sits at the end of the table next to Eddie who’s sits next to Mike. The other four losers sit across the table, ignoring their argument as usual.

“Nudging is not putting your germy hands on my shoulders and pushing me  _purposely_  into the fucking mud.” Eddie turns his body more towards Richie and crosses his arms.

“Bill,” Richie looks across the table towards the stuttering boy, he already looks done with their conversation. “You were there, tell Eddie that I nudged him into the mud pit.”

“I don’t w-want to get i-involved.” Bill places his face on his hand, regretting his friendships for just a moment.

“No!” Eddie interrupts also turning towards Bill after shooting Richie a glare. “Bill, tell Richie that he  _pushed_  me into the mud!” He’s yelling now, not loudly but high pitched enough to earn a glare from surrounding tables.

“G-guys it was e-eight years ago.” Bill sounds bored.

“Tell Eddie Spaghetti that-.”

“No, tell Tozier that-.”

“I was there too,” Stan butts in. He was the fourth one to join the group. Bill and Richie the first two, then Eddie and then Stan only a few days later. Bev, Mike and Ben joining just the year before, but they are all as close as ever.

“Oh god.” Bev mumbles.

“I remember seeing a boy with glasses _tackle_ a smaller boy into the mud pit. They both had to go home early that day.” Stan tells them.

“Fucking told you.” Eddie smirks with victory.

“I still win.” Richie smirks back.

“How?” Eddie squints his eyes.

“Not only did I get the fucking  _cutest_  best friend but I also got a mud bath.” He winks using the British voice that Eddie despises. Eddie’s face turns red with anger and fondness. Richie is always calls him cute; it’s confusing.

“That was sweet.” Bev says across the table.

“Don’t be jealous Bev, you’ll always be my red haired beauty.” Richie winks at her.

“She’s taken.” Ben says gently across the table as he takes Bev’s hand. They’ve been dating for a few months and Eddie thinks they’re the best couple. Both so similar yet so different. Kind of just like him and Ric-.

Nope. Not going there. Not right now.

*

It takes a week for Eddie to  _fully_  accept that he’s gay. It also happens in the weirdest moment. It’s a Saturday and the weather is still warm at night, the leftovers of the summer heat. Eddie sits in his room, his bedroom window open as he listens to the radio softly as to not wake him mom. It’s late, about 11:30pm. He just got back from hanging out with the losers, it was movie night.

Eddie’s been thinking.  _A lot._  His lockboxes in his mind flowing open and closed as he puts pieces of a puzzle together. Pieces of his heart and his wanting. The lack of calling he has to girls. The desire he has to hold a boy’s hand. To be held by a boy. And of course to kiss a boy. That’s as far as his thoughts go, anything beyond that is too far, and it’s in the forbidden lockbox.

“Hey.” A voice says. Eddie jumps up onto his feet, grabbing the first thing he touches which is his pillow. He holds it up, scared, heart beating faster as he looks towards his open window.

“Fucking Jesus Christ.” Eddie sighs, still holding up the pillow as Richie waves at him from the roof. The glasses wearing boy flings his body in the window, keeping his butt planted on the window seal and his legs swinging inside Eddie's bedroom. 

“Just Richie is fine.” He winks at Eddie and looks at the pillow in the boy’s hand. “Are you having a bunch of naked people over for a sexy pillow fight?” Eddie pretends that the sentence doesn’t make his skin crawl. Instead he smacks Richie gently with the pillow, not trying to knock him off the roof –not now anyways.

“What are you doing here?” Eddie asks, sitting on his bed and facing Richie. The other boy is wearing grey shorts, his favorite blue and yellow Hawaiian shirt with a green backpack. The backpack he uses for sleepovers and when-.

“My dad told me to get lost.” Richie shrugs, hiding how much it hurts him. How much his parents neglect rip him up inside. Eddie knows when Richie gets like this there are two things he does. Silently crying and sleeping in Eddie’s bed. Or dragging Eddie on a crazy adventure that usually ends in tears as well.

Eddie is a good friend, or at least he thinks he is, so when Richie tells him that they should go swimming at the Quarry in the moonlight he agrees. It takes them all of twenty minutes to get Eddie cleanly -meaning avoiding the dirt on the roof and being quiet to avoid his mother- out of his house, down towards the Quarry, and stripped to just their underwear.

“I’m not saying I hate this fucking water, but I do hate this fucking water.” Eddie tells Richie as he dips a toe in. They decided not to do the cliff diving, sticking to the rocky beach-like area of the water.

“I know you do. ‘ _Over a million diseases could be lurking in the water guys’_.” He mimics Eddie’s voice. Surprisingly well too. Richie is already in the water, wearing his white underwear and glasses. He opted to keep them on, saying that he will protect Eddie when he sees any approaching crocodiles. Eddie elbowed him for that.

“I don’t talk like that.” Eddie takes more steps into the slightly freezing water, walking in until he’s up to his belly button.

“Sometimes you do.” Richie sinks deeper into the water until only his eyes and up are visible. The moonlight illuminating the black water, reflecting onto his glasses.

“Better than having a fucking trashmouth.” Eddie tells him, stepping until he’s fully into the water. He swims closer to Richie.

“But my trashmouth gets all the ladies.” He winks, “and all the gentlemen.” He winks again. It takes all of forty seconds for Eddie to respond. The first ten of which is Eddie taking in Richie’s proud bisexual nature. The next ten are Eddie deciding that if he’s gay then Richie would be the best person to tell, his best friend whose understanding and trusts him with his life. The next ten are spent thinking that yes, he is gay and he’s just scared about the forbidden box in his brain. The last ten seconds are Eddie working up the courage to say his next words.

“I’m gay.” He whispers. His eyes are closed and he’s talking down towards the water. He’s not afraid. No, he knows Richie will be accepting. But he is afraid. He is afraid that he’s fourteen and his life is more complicated than it should be.

“That’s perfect,” Richie says. Eddie opens his eyes and smiles. “Me and some other boys were looking for a sixth person for our orgy next weekend.” Richie smirks for three seconds before Eddie shoves his head underwater. Richie lets him. He comes back up with a large smile, wet glasses and a loud laugh. It echoes over the water. Eddie joins in. He feels happy, relieved, and excited for his new factor.

Richie tackles Eddie into the water. The small boy clogs his nose as he goes under. He kicks and smiles as he pushes Richie away, coming up with wet hair and an evil glint on his face.

“You’re an ass.” Eddie tells him, pushing his hair back. The moonlight lights up his and Richie’s face. Both the boys pretend the other isn’t blushing.

“Did you tell anyone else yet?” Richie asks quietly. It’s his serious voice. The voice he only uses when Eddie and him are having a  _serious_  serious conversation. It’s nice, low and comforting.

“No,” Eddie admits as he crosses his arms under the water, “You’re my best friend so I wanted to tell you first just like how you told me you’re-.” He gestures to Richie. The other boy laughs.

“Cause I’m bisexual? Into chicks and dicks? You can say it just like how you said your thing.”

“I like boys.” Eddie smiles gently. He isn’t sure if he is just telling Richie he’s gay again or if he’s telling him that it’s not dicks it’s just... _boys_. He ignores that thought.

“Boys.” Richie repeats, slowly with a grin. “Any boys in particular? Anyone I need to fuck up so that they don’t hurt my cute spaghetti?”

“No.”  _Yes._  “No one.”  _You, I think._

“Good.” And Richie sounds relieved yet disappointed. Eddie ignores that. He leans back until he’s lying on the water and looking up at the stars. Richie slowly follows and hooks their pinkies together so they don’t float apart. Richie points out constellations to Eddie, giving them ridiculous names. Such as  _elephant fucker one_ ,  _elephant fucker two_  and Eddie’s personal favorite  _the trashmouth 500_.

As they float there, pinky to pinky with their front half’s cold out of the water and their back half’s cold in the water; Eddie pretends that this isn’t how he imagines a perfect relationship would be. Just love, laughs and little touches. 

“That’s my favorite one.” Richie says in a soft voice as he points with his free arm. Eddie follows where he’s pointing to see one star in the middle of a large circle of stars.

“Why is it your favorite?” Eddie whispers back.

“Looks like a nipple.”

Eddie laughs.

“Are you sleeping over?” Eddie asks once they arrive back at his house, clothes slightly wet and hair dripping. Thankfully Eddie brought his fanny pack that has an extra glasses cleaner for Richie so he was able to bike back with no crashes.

“Can I?” Richie whispers, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Of course.” Eddie tells him. “But you can only make three jokes about my mom, so use them wisely.”

They fall asleep side by side. The window still opened. Richie uses all of his mom jokes up in the first five minutes. He also ignored Eddie’s protests as he makes six more.

*

“I can’t wait for our prom.” Ben says. All the losers’ are sat in the cafeteria watching two teachers hanging a sign on the wall  _Senior and Junior Prom ‘90_.

“Ew, why?” Eddie asks, picking up his apple and taking a bite. He cringes as he watches Bill eat his own apple that has a dark spot on it. Gross.

“It’s gonna be fun. We’ll be older and we each can bring dates-.”

“I call Eddie.” Richie butts in, nudging the small boy. Eddie just rolls his eyes and ignores the flirting from Richie. It’s always been Richie flirting with Eddie but for some reason Eddie thinks Richie is doing it more and more often. He asks Eddie to go everywhere with him and then makes constant comments about how cute Eddie is. It’s maddening.

“Like I would go to prom with you.” Eddie snorts. That would actually be fun, not that he’ll say it out loud.

“Your mom will go with me then.” Eddie rolls his eyes at him.

“You can’t just call Eddie he’s not an object,” Mike says on the other side of Eddie. Both boys growing much taller than him and begin talking over his head.

“I too can call him.” Richie sounds frustrated. “He’s cute, I call him.” Ah, there is the comment again.

“Eddie isn’t gonna go with you, he’ll probably ask some nice sweet girl and take her.” Bev adds.

“I’m right here guys.” Eddie says but everyone ignores him. Bev is the only one who sees him and she gives him a small smile as if she knows something that he doesn’t. He tilts his head at her in question.

“Why would Eddie take a girl? He likes boys.” Richie blurts out, breaking Eddie away from what Bev was about to mouth to him.

“Richie!” Eddie shrieks. Everyone looks at him as if they finally notice he’s at the table. His face turns red as he elbows Richie as hard as he can in the side. Motherfucker.

“W-what?” Bill asks.

“Nothing,” Eddie says sharply. “Richie is being a trashmouth he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” He says it fast, biting his apple with anger and embarrassment. He doesn’t look at Richie.

“If you like boys it’s not a big deal.” Stan says in a bored voice, Bill nods in agreement.

“Eddie, if you’re gay just say it, we’ll still love you.” Bev says sweetly. Fuck her.

“Guys, don’t press-.”

“Beep Beep, Richie.” Eddie growls. “You’ve said enough.” He’s annoyed. He trusted Richie with his secret and now Richie goes and blurts it out.

“I’m-.” Richie tries again.

“Yes, I like boys.” Eddie says to the table and then turns to Richie with a face of anger. “I fucking told you because I trust you and you broke my trust and told the entire group!”

“I’m fucking sorry Ed’s-.”

“Don’t call me that!” Eddie is trying not to yell and it makes his voice very high pitched. “I just, I trusted you and-.”

“I only fucking said it because us going to prom together would be sweet!” Richie fires back. “If you don’t wanna go then I’ll go with your mom-.”

“Oh, stop being such a fucking asshole.” The table is watching them, Bev is trying to interrupt.

“They’re are you friends! How can you be mad at me it’s not like I fucking told the entire school!” Richie is mad, his voice very low but not the good low he uses when he’s serious. His face is red, probably as red as Eddie’s.

“I just want to be able to trust you-.”

“You can fucking trust me! I keep all your secrets and you keep mine!” That makes Eddie stop, he thinks about all the secrets they have. Big secrets like Richie’s abuse from his parents and then little secrets like the time Eddie gave Ben ice cream that had fallen on the ground. They have so many. More than Eddie thinks two people should share together. So what? He told the rest of the losers that Eddie is gay. He can’t be  _too_  mad.

“In Richie’s defense,” Bev gains Eddie’s attention. “We were smoking last week and I interrogated him for an hour because I could tell he was keeping a secret and he didn’t dare tell me.” Eddie looks back at Richie, his face no longer angry. Eddie relaxes his own, Richie smiles.

“Fine,” Eddie sighs, a bit irritated still. “But no way I’ll say yes if you ask me to prom.” He plays along.

“But I fucking  _called_  you.” Richie whines and the entire table just groans.

*

When Eddie is fifteen the forbidden brain in his box breaks open. It’s during health class, he shares it with Mike and Ben. It’s the first day back after Christmas break so everyone is feeling lazy still. Their teacher writes the subject of the day on the board. Eddie’s skin crawls and his hand shakes as he writes the topic on the top of his notebook page.

 _Sex_.

That’s all it takes for the lockbox in Eddie’s mind to burst open. Pages and pages of facts, horrors and truths flow to the front of his mind. So many pages that Eddie can’t even read them all. He breaks the tip of his pencil for how hard he’s pressing down. He can’t even pretend that he isn’t having a crisis.

“Now, we are going to talk about sex today,” the class giggles. Eddie nearly vomits. “You all are too young to be having sex but are all old enough to know about it.”

Eddie begins to sweat. He’s not looking at the teacher and instead is staring a hole in his notebook, begging it to burst into flames and kill him so that he doesn’t need to be alive as a fucking filing cabinet zooms around his head.

“Sex is normal. It’s something everyone wants through their life."

Everyone. Does everyone really want it? Does Eddie want it? Why is he shaking so bad? Why is this ripping a hole in his body? Why Eddie  _why?_

“Masturbation is also normal. It’s-.”

Eddie zones out. His classmates giggle, his teacher ignores them. Eddie reads a page that flies to front of the line. It’s about his masturbation. How he hears about it, how his friends joke about it, how Richie somehow fits it into every conversation. Eddie closes his eyes, the paper flips over, and it reads how Eddie has masturbated  _once_. One fucking time. Just to try it out when he was almost fourteen. It wasn’t fun, it made him feel dirty -fuck he could barely get it up. He hasn’t had a desire to do it since.

Eddie shakes his head, flipping through pages and pages not ready for any of them. He wants them gone. He wants to be gone from here. He wants to run away from his own thoughts.

“-sex is normal. It’s normal to look at the opposite sex and feel physical attraction towards them-.”

Physical attraction? Eddie doesn’t think he has  _ever_  fucking felt that before. Sure he can look at boys and say they’re handsome or pretty but he hasn’t wanted to... _no_. A page zooms into view, it reads how he once looked at a nude magazine of girls and felt nothing. Another page; the memory of two boys kissing from a year ago. That was nice. When things got more... physical, it was terrible. Next page, is about Mike shirtless at the Quarry. Eddie felt nothing.

The pages move faster now. Less words, yet still as painful to read. _Nothing_. He feels nothing all the time according to the pages. He doesn’t feel the want, the pull, the desire for sex. He doesn’t feel the hardness of his own dick. He doesn’t feel the need to touch others. He doesn’t feel the want of another’s body. It’s a lot of fucking negatives for Eddie.

“-now safe sex is important. You need to be careful and use protection to avoid STD’s.” Eddie hears the chalk against the blackboard. ‘ _Sexually Transmitted Diseases_.’

A new paper, a yellow one for some reason, it has a list of STD’s he knows. Most are from his mom warning him about the world’s horrors but others are from Richie. God knows that boy says more about sex and fucking and physical bodies and crabs and-.

“-make sure whenever you have sex that it’s for love. Never give your virginity a-.”

Who could love Eddie? Hell Eddie doesn’t even love Eddie. A new paper, the writing is sloppy.  _Alone forever. A virgin forever. No love forever_. Another paper comes and all it says on it is  _Richie_  with a big X over his name. Next page is how people date, fuck, fall in love, fuck, get married, fuck. How can Eddie do any of that? He can’t. He knows he can’t. This fucking lockbox has said enough already.

He slams his hands down on his desk. The entire class turns to him. His face is red from unknowingly holding his breath. He ignores the paper that is begging to be read as he shoves his stuff into his bag. The teacher opens his mouth to say something but Eddie is rushing past him mumbling something about the nurse.

She has an inhaler in her hand as soon as he steps into the room. He didn’t even notice he wasn’t breathing. Didn’t even notice that when he tried to he couldn’t  _start_. His lungs were collapsing and all Eddie could fucking do was read a figment of his imagination. Some dumb metaphor that is controlling, twisting and rearranging the way he lives his life.

The nurse takes him into the back room and sits him on the bed. His feet dangle off the bed as he closes his eyes. She asks if he needs to take his pills soon -his mother is basically her best friend- he shakes his head and then she leaves him to be. Leaves him with an inhaler in one hand, nothing in the other and a mess in his brain.

Eddie thinks that she said something about lying down for a few minutes. He doesn’t dare. Too many germs. Plus if he lays down he’ll never get back up. He scratches his arms, itchy with germs and itchy with the conclusion that his mind is forming. God he wishes he could ignore it. Wishes he could ignore  _everything_. His mind. Sex. Society’s pressure to have sex. Gay sex. Being gay. Germs. His inhaler.  _Breathing_. He wishes he could ignore himself.

Eddie wishes he was someone else - _anyone else_.

He hears the bell ring for second period. English class with Ben and Richie is going to start soon. Eddie doesn’t dare move. His breath is still desperate and his head pounding. He leans his head back against the wall, closing his eyes again as he slowly sorts through the pages.

He creates a new box, not a lockbox just a normal box, he titles it something that he won’t ever say out loud and begins to order the pages. Starting with his discovering of what sex is to masturbation and then STD’s along with STD jokes that Richie has made. Next he puts away the physical attraction papers and all the jokes Richie makes about that as well. More papers about virginity, more jokes from Richie. Papers about blowjobs, more jokes from Richie. Papers about boobs, more jokes from Richie. The list goes on and on and on.

Finally, it ends with a conclusion. Or a realization actually. Eddie stares at it. He should say it or rather think it in this sense but he just  _can’t_. The only thing that should know the conclusion is this box. He places the lid on it and pushes it next to his relationships box, gay box and cute boys’ box.

This way he  _knows_. He knows that he’s, he’s  _broken_.

Eddie isn’t sure how long he sits there, taking puff after puff from his inhaler. He’s breathing fine he’s just...dying. He can’t do this. He can’t be any more fucking different. He’s about to be gay, broken, and in the losers’ club. Such a fucking-.

“Ed’s!” The door to the room bursts open, Eddie blinks his eyes opened and rolls his head to the side to see Richie and the nurse.

“Mr. Tozier you can’t be back here-.”

“Oh stuff it Sheila.” Richie says and shuts the door before running to Eddie. “Are you fucking okay? Ben said you left health all white and clammy.” Richie starts touching Eddie’s arms and face, feeling for the pain that he won’t find because it’s in Eddie’s mind. If only he could save Eddie from it.

“Stop.” Eddie whispers and Richie looks into his eyes. The big eyes are staring obnoxiously through those huge glasses with worry. God, Eddie hates him.

“Ar-.”

“I’m fine.” Eddie lies. His breath is still heavy but nothing insane. He feels a thump in his throat begin to form so he swallows it down. Or he tries too.

“If you’re fine then why are you crying?” Richie asks in  _that_  voice. In his caring voice. In the voice that Eddie likes to think he saves just for him. It hurts to hear it.

“I’m n-not.” He didn’t even notice. He isn’t even sure when the tears started to silently flow down his face. Was it back in health when the lockbox first opened or was in after he read the conclusion? Fuck.

“Something is bothering you,” Richie climbs up on the bed and sits facing Eddie. “You don’t need to tell me now but,” he doesn’t finish. Eddie knows what he means. Richie is there for him if he ever wants to talk about it. He’ll listen. Which is surprising because Richie seems like he never listens for how much he talks but Eddie swears he listens better than anyone else in the world.

“Okay.” Eddie whispers as Richie takes his hand and interlocks their fingers; Eddie’s hand is so small in comparison.

*

“Did you get 15.7 for number 17?” Stan asks, peering over the library table at Eddie’s finished math homework. Eddie slides him the paper.

“Just copy it. I’m sick of you asking for the answer every five fucking seconds.” Eddie snaps, keeping his nose in the dictionary he’s reading. He’s trying to find this dumb vocabulary word, his teacher makes sure they take the definition word from word from the dictionary. It’s annoying.

“Okay then.” Stan sounds slightly irritated but Eddie ignores it. He’s looking for the word  _asymmetry._ And before Eddie even knows it he’s regretting actually doing this homework instead of copying off of Bill later.

He’s in the ‘as’ words now, Eddie’s finger runs across the page, lazily scanning the words. He makes it to the ‘ase’ section when his finger stops on a word. His attention drawn to it as his heart picks up to a loud beat; probably so loud that Stan can hear him across the table. Eddie’s shaking as he stares at the word, at the definition:

_asexual (a·sex·u·al):_

_adjective: without sexual feelings or associations._

_noun: a person who has no sexual feelings or desires_

Why is he staring at this? Eddie let’s out a loud breath as he slowly closes the dictionary. This is it. This is what he feels. This is what he is according to the box in his brain. That fucking box that haunts him even a month after it’s been opened last. The box that holds all the facts on why Eddie is broken but now there’s a title to his brokenness. The boxes title is a bit clearer now.

 _Asexual_.

He can’t take this right now. He begins to gather his stuff, as if on autopilot. Eddie holds in his tears as Stan watches him curiously as Eddie stands up. His heart beating fast and hard against the front of his chest. Hurting so badly.

“My mom,” he waves for no reason. “Yeah.” And he leaves Stan behind with his math homework.

Eddie’s mind is rushing around just as fast as his feet he can peddle the bike. That word. That  _fucking_  word. It’s the reason Eddie hates himself. It’s the reason he’s broken. The reason he’s a mess. The reason he’s not a fucking normal fifteen year old boy.

He’s a gay fucked up broken boy.

Eddie shakes his head as he looks ahead at the street in front of him and then sideways as he passes by the arcade. The arcade where Richie said he’ll be all day.  _Richie_.

Eddie slams on the brakes of his bike and quickly switches direction, rushing towards the arcade. He drops his bike against the ground where Richie’s lays before barging through the door. It smells like pennies and sweat in here, Eddie hates it. It takes all of five seconds to find his friend head deep in his favorite game; Street Fighter.

“Motherfucker,” Eddie hears him say as he jogs over to him.

“Richie.” Eddie breaths out. There’s tears on his cheeks now as he stands next to Richie. He tugs on the boy’s Hawaiian shirt.

“One second.” Richie says and it takes twelve seconds for him to win the round and turn to Eddie.

“Whoa.” He says taking in Eddie’s appearance of disheveled, flowing tears and a pain in his wide innocent eyes.

“I-.” Eddie tries as he feels sobs beginning to start.

“Eddie, you okay?” Richie places both hands on the smaller boy’s shoulders, staring through his giant glasses with worry.

Eddie stares at Richie wondering why he’s here. Why did he come into here? To cry to Richie? No, he just -he just wanted to be with Richie. Eddie takes a deep breath. Richie who makes him laugh and makes him feel better. Richie who he crushes hard on. Richie who won’t like him back because he’s- he’s;

“ _Broken_.” Eddie whispers. “I’m broken.” A sob erupts from his lips and he falls into Richie’s chest. He feels the taller boy’s arms circle him and hold him close. Richie smells strongly of sweets and cigarettes. It’s comforting but it also makes Eddie cry a bit harder.

“Come on, Ed’s.” He think he hears Richie say as he starts to move them, keeping Eddie close to his chest. Eddie let’s himself be dragged.

“The hell?” An older man’s voice says. Eddie cries harder as he hears Richie mumbling to him.

“-please ten minutes in the back. I swear I won’t touch the machines.” It’s the first time Eddie hears Richie beg with sincerity in his voice and to an adult no less.

“Fine.” The older man says, the owner of the arcade, Eddie recognizes his voice. Richie is moving them to the back room and with a close of the door they are alone. Eddie keeps all his weight against Richie as they slide to the dirty floor of the room. He doesn’t even care. He just wants to be normal; to be whole.

“I-I’m s-sorry.” Eddie stutters out, wiping his eyes and snot on Richie’s shirt. Doesn’t matter, the taller boy won’t like him back so he can at least use his friendship to his advantage. Friendship. His best friend who’s holding him close and saying things, he’s saying something.

“-if Bowers got to you then you need to tell me. Did they hit you somewhere? Steal your bike? I know you have stood up and tried to fight them in the past but-.” Eddie zones him out. Richie thinks he’s crying over the Bowers gang. That fucking band of assholes who tries to kill each of the losers. No, but wishes that’s what he’s crying about.

What is he really crying about? The fact that he’s what? That he doesn’t like sex? That’s not important. Right? He can suck it up. If he finds the right person, he can deal with it. He can just fake it for his life. That’s the way to happy relationship, just give them what they want so they love you. He’d do that. He’ll give up his brokenness to seem normal. Maybe that’s it. Maybe Eddie needs to have sex.

He cries harder. Eddie ignores his thoughts and focuses back on Richie.

“-we could be superheroes in a comic. Like the fucking X-men series only with all of us. Bill would be like the leader and-.”

“W-what are you t-talking about?” Eddie looks up and wipes his face onto his sleeves. He’s hiccupping out tears still but he looks at Richie anyways. The tall boy sits on the back of his calves across from where Eddie is sitting the same way.

“If all of us became superheroes.” Richie says as if it’s obvious. He pushes his hair out his face, he looks stressed. It’s an odd sight for Eddie to see.

“I get that.” Eddie smiles for a second. “But why?” He asks. Richie leans towards him and unzips the short boy’s fanny pack, pulling out a tissue from it. Eddie let’s him.

“To distract you and cheer you up.” Eddie stares at him with wide wet eyes as Richie wipes his face. He’s being gentle and has a small smile on his face. Eddie’s heart slows to a nice beat, a happy beat.

“Oh,” Eddie whispers as he blushes and looks down at Richie’s jeans.

“Want to tell me what’s wrong?” Richie moves so he’s sitting cross legged. He leans forward into Eddie’s view and stares up through those large glasses. Fuck those glasses.

“I, uh,” he wipes more tears away. Minutes pass. “It’s stupid.” He says honestly and embarrassed he’s here.

“Do I have to fuck it out of you?” Richie teases in a terrible accent and it sets Eddie off again. He can’t. He can’t have sex. That whole pep talk in his mind where he thought he could. He can’t.  _Fuck_.

Eddie starts sobbing again but this time into his hands. It’s loud and painful and his asthma will start acting up if he doesn’t stop. He tries to take deep breaths, Richie’s hands find their way around him again but Eddie pushes him away. He can’t. He just can’t.

“I can’t-.” Eddie sobs out, his eyes burning. “I can’t have-.”

“Can’t have what?” Richie says trying to figure out why his best friend is a mess on the floor. Eddie can feel the other boy’s hands hovering over him. He wants to help he just wants to help. Eddie takes one, two, three deep breaths. He pulls his face out of his hands and looks at Richie. Another tissue is in the taller boy’s hand. He begins to clean Eddie’s face again.

“I can’t have sex.” Eddie whispers, staring directly at Richie’s oversized teeth through his opened mouth. Eddie can hear Richie’s mind cooling down, gathering the jokes and ignoring them for a bit.

“You don’t have too.” Richie tells him in that serious voice. Eddie’s thankful.

“No. To be in love you have sex and I can’t- I won’t ever have sex. I’m broken.” Eddie is talking to the ground now, he’s stopped crying. He’s just sad, so sad that he’s a shell of a human. _A weirdo_.

“You’re not fucking broken.” Richie says softly, he gently takes Eddie’s hand in his. Eddie didn’t even know his hand was shaking. He stares at where their skin touches as he takes a deep breath and spills the truth.

“Do you know how you want to have sex? How you can’t wait to lose your virginity?” Eddie doesn’t want for an answer. “I don’t want that. I just want to kiss and cuddle. Everyone is going to want more and I won’t be able to give them it.” He takes a long deep breath. It’s nice to say it all out loud and admit it to someone other than his bedroom ceiling.

“And you think this makes you  _broken?_ ” Richie asks slowly as if he’s choosing his words carefully. Eddie looks at him and nods. Richie is biting his lip and staring at the wall. Neither boy talks. Neither boy moves their linked hands.

“The term is asexual.” That’s all Eddie says, dying in the silence of the room.

“Asexual.” Richie whispers to himself, clicking his tongue. “That’s cool.” He grins at Eddie. “Asexual and that means you don’t like sex?”

“Kind of.” Eddie says thinking about the definition he read half an hour ago and how he feels inside.

“It’s different.” Richie says with a smile. “It fits you.” And he says it with a tone of  _something_  and it makes Eddie smile. It makes him happy. He came to the right person. He confessed to the right person.

“Thanks.” Eddie blinks up. All worry gone for a moment as Richie squeezes his hands. It’s then that Eddie feels how sweaty they are from Richie’s gaming, Eddie also finds that he doesn’t care.

“It doesn’t make you broken you know.” Richie says. Eddie says nothing for two minutes, just listening to the sound of Richie breathing loudly.

“I can trust you, right? This won’t be like the time I told you I liked boys?” Eddie whispers, scared for so many reasons and not sure what reasons to worry most about.

“I fucking promise you can trust me.” Richie tells him, the voice he uses is different it’s nice and one day Eddie decides it’s the best voice Richie has ever used.

“I pinky promise.” Richie says and moves their joined hands so that their pinkies are linked together. Like back to the age of 8 where they made a pact to stay friends forever, no matter what. That pack does change one day, but in a good way.

“Pinky promise.” Eddie says back, gripping Richie’s pinky hard.

*

“I’m thinking-.” Richie tries as he steps into the room and shakes his hair out like a dog. They’re at Mike’s farm in one of the barns to avoid the downpour of rain that suddenly occurred. Of course Richie was the only one to get caught in it, Eddie thinks he looks like a drowned rat.

“Don’t hurt yourself.” Stan deadpans, always the one to make bored comments at Richie.

“Fuck you, Stan.” Richie says as he eyes the room for a spot to sit. They’re all sitting on stacks of hay -well not Eddie that’s too dirty for him. Richie takes a spot next to Mike and looks at the small boy of the group. “Wanna sit on my lap, Spaghetti?”

“Never in a million years.” Eddie fires back and leans against the post in the middle of the barn, acting as if his short legs are tired from standing here for almost an hour. God knows he’ll be sitting on that hay soon, the thought makes him cringe.

“You sure? Your mom sat on it nice and long last night?” He winks, “actually my lap is fucking sore, you wanna sit on my face instead?

“Beep, Beep Richie.” Everyone says in unison. Eddie’s face red with angry, embarrassment and fear of that fucking box in his brain. His asexual life. He hasn’t thought about it too much and that’s saying something because Eddie usually overthinks everything. Richie hasn’t mentioned it either, in fact he seems to be distracting Eddie by hanging out with him more and more. It worries Eddie.

“You flirt with Eddie harder than you do anything else in your life.” Mike says.

“Ew, don’t say that. Eddie is my stepson I can’t flirt with him that would be incest.” Eddie fake gags at him, Richie winks.

“How do you come up with these terrible jokes?” Mike asks with a hint of humor. Richie just shrugs and shakes more water out of his hair. Eddie stares at the curls with interest, he adds wet haired Richie to his cute boys box. I mean - _what_   _no no no._ That’s not right...right?

Eddie shakes his head. So annoyed at himself. Why can’t he just think fucking normally? Why is he always have these fucking thoughts and crises? Why-?

“Eddie?” Bev asks from next to Eddie. She left her spot next to Ben and now is standing in front of him, blocking his view of Richie. Thank god. Or not thank god.  _Ugh_  he doesn’t know.

“Huh?” He asks her, crossing and uncrossing his arms.

“I asked if you had any wet wipes in your fanny pack. My hands are sticky for some reason.” She raises her eyebrows at him as he nods and digs out a wipe for her.

“Here you go.” His voice is quiet but his brain is loud.

“Thanks.” She takes it. “Are you okay?” She whispers the last line, not that anyone is listening anyways. Bill and Mike are loudly discussing their hatred for their gym teacher.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He lies and after three minute of her searching his face for the lie she goes to sit back down. Richie comes back into view and he’s staring at Eddie. He looks odd but when they make eye contact he smiles and winks. Eddie looks away.

“Hey Eddie?” Richie shakes water out of his ear. Eddie doesn’t respond and instead shoots him a look in questioning. “Don’t freak out but there is spider behind you.”

And of course Eddie freaks out. He jumps like a cat high into the air and lands on Stan who just so happens to be the closest to him. Of course his panic lasts mere seconds because Richie’s loud laugh is echoing through the barn.

“Fuck yes!” Richie shouts with a hand on his ribs and his eyes closed. Eddie gets off of Stan with an apology and he turns to Richie. He’s annoyed, he’s pissed, and he’s not going to sit here anymore.

“Fuck you Richie. You’re a goddamn twat.” He spits out at the other boy. Of course this is just Eddie taking his self-hatred and vomiting it up on Richie. Said boy stops laughing immediately and frowns at Eddie.

“You’re not seriously mad at me?” Eddie huffs, crossing his arms. “Oh, Eddie Spaghetti-.” Richie tries but Eddie doesn’t stand for it.

“Go choke.” He tells the boy, stomping past him and towards the barn door. They’re making a scene, it's quiet in the barn with all the other losers’ watching with mild interest. Eddie furious and Richie apologetic over such a minor event. Richie follows Eddie out of the barn, thankfully he grabs Eddie’s wrist right before he can walk out from under the lip of the barn roof. Staying dry for just a bit longer.

“Ed’s, why are you making such a big deal out of nothing?” Richie asks, a look of annoyance on his face. Eddie sighs, looking at the falling rain wishing to be just like it –less complicated and sinking deep into the earth. A raindrop, that’s what he wants to be. Fuck, he’s losing it.

“Sorry,” Eddie rubs his face, “I’m just angry and taking it out on you.” And your fucking cute face and big glasses. _Fuck that shit_ , Eddie thinks.

“Wanna fuck it out?” Richie chuckles and Eddie forces out a laugh.

“I think I’m going to go home. Tell the others I said goodbye.” And there is a beat of silence where Eddie thinks Richie might say something before he turns and walks into the rain. He flips up the hood of his raincoat.

When he stares at the ceiling not even an hour later he peeks inside  _the box_ ; he only cries for a few minutes. Slowly though,  _oh so slowly_ , he speaks the truth -the thing he fears the most- the thing that will hold him back from a relationship. The reason Eddie has so much anger and self-hate for himself. 

He thinks about Richie’s telling him that he’s not broken. Eddie smiles and thinks that maybe he’s right.

*

A few months later, Richie turns sixteen and he gets his driver’s license. He gets it before the first day of junior year so when Eddie walks out of his front door to see the tall -he’s somehow even taller than before, around 6”2 now. Fuck him, Eddie is still at 5”6- boy leaning against a beat up car he’s surprised. Richie bought that car last month after saving up from working at the arcade. He’s so proud of the car and Eddie is so proud of him. Not that Eddie will say that out loud, no way he’ll give Richie that big head of satisfaction.

“Hey trashmouth.” Eddie says when he walks out the front door, slightly terrified to get into the car. Richie doesn’t move from where he is leaning outside of it.

“Edward.” Richie says with a smile. Eddie blushes, his crush for Richie has grown stronger each day and he won’t admit it but he thinks his crush is forming into something more.

Of course this summer was something else. Eddie stopped hating himself so much –I mean he still does a little but doesn’t everyone- and spent at least more time with Richie than he did alone. The other losers were with them about 70% of the summer, laying about in random places around Derry basically doing nothing. 5% of summer Eddie spent alone in his bedroom listening to his music.

The other 25% of summer was spent just between Richie and Eddie. Who even knows what they have been doing. Richie slept in Eddie’s bed almost every night, for various reasons; it started off with Richie’s parents so of course Eddie was going to let him sleep there. Then Richie would come over and sleep in the bed because his was hurting is back or his room was too hot to sleep in or he likes how the sun doesn’t shine too brightly in the morning from Eddie’s window. Each night they would go to bed with enough room between them but each morning they found themselves cuddling. Neither boy mentioned anything about it.

Once though, Eddie did wake up at 3am to Richie spooning him and a hard object pressed to his lower back. He pushed Richie out of the bed and made the boy sleep on the floor. Richie didn’t fight it or ask why. Eddie cried himself to sleep but not before his hand that off the bed was gripped gently by a bigger one.

The two boys followed each other around like puppies, as Bev said multiple times. When Richie had to work, Eddie was there sitting on the office counter and complaining about the smell of pennies and sweat. When Eddie had to buy more supplies to fill his fanny pack Richie was right next to him in the pharmacy, loudly shaking a box of tampons into Eddie’s face. Their summer was…nice and Eddie found butterflies in his stomach every time Richie gave him that _look_ behind those huge ass glasses.

Now though, summer is over and back to the present.

The ride to school is quick, way too fucking quick, Richie runs two stop signs and goes over the speed limit half on every road. Eddie screams at him over the music blaring out of the radio and of course Richie ignores him. Once he steps on the ground he feels his legs shaking.

“You’re never fucking driving again.” Eddie says to Richie.

“Aw, but Eddie Spaghetti how will you get anywhere? I’m your fucking chauffeur now.” He uses the dumb British voice again and throws an arm around the smaller boy leading him into the school. They walk to Eddie’s locker where all the other losers’ are waiting, everyone a bit tan from their nice summer terrorizing Derry.

“My grandfather is killing me.” Mike grunts out. Richie removes his arm from around Eddie, the butterflies stay in his stomach.

“W-why?” Bill asks. Mike starts to explain how he was woken at 4am to feed the sheep on the farm. Eddie tries to listen but Richie is whispering his name trying to get his attention. The boy sighs and turns to his left. Richie is smiling at him, no doubt about to say something stupid.

“What?” Eddie sighs.

“Did you wake up last night? Me and your mom were fucking loud, she kept moaning and-.” Richie says but gets cut off as Eddie elbows him in the ribs. The skinny boy glares at him, rubbing his side. They didn’t sleep in the same bed last night, Richie never climbed through his window and Eddie doesn’t want to seem pathetic and ask him about it. So, he pretends everything is okay.

“You’re fucking gross, I hate being friends with you.” Eddie glares at his curly haired friend.

“Sorry, I was just asking.” Richie pauses, “I guess I gotta fuck her harder tonight.” He dodges Eddie’s elbow this time. He smirks at his victory as he moves to stand next to Ben.

“Do you ever make any jokes that don’t rip on Eddie’s mom?” Stan asks bored, leaning oddly into Bill.

“One, Eddie loves my jokes-,”

“I don’t love his jokes,” Eddie tells Stan.

“-two, he forgives me when we cuddle in bed at night.” Richie finishes. Eddie blushes and glares at him, angry that Richie told everyone that the two boys cuddle. God Richie can’t keep a secret. He hasn’t told anyone about Eddie’s asexual realization yet, actually they haven’t talked about it since that day. Eddie thinks about it every night though.

“Wow, you guys should just make out already.” Stan smirks. Eddie glares at him.

“Do you know how many germs are in the human mouth? It’s fucking discussing and-.” Eddie tries but is cut off by sweet innocent Ben.

“Use whatever excuses you want Eddie.” He smiles. Eddie watches as Stan gently nudges Ben.  _Weirdos_.

“And what does that fucking mean? Eddie crosses his arms.

“Wow, Eddie is feisty today. Did you already upset him Richie?” Bev teases.

“I didn’t do anything.” Richie holds his hands up in defense. _You didn’t cuddle me last night_ , Eddie thinks. He goes for a different route.

“He tried to kill me! His driving his fucking insane!” Eddie nearly yells. Bev giggles at him.

“Oh, don’t exaggerate.” Richie rolls his eyes.

“I’m not! I’m surprised I didn’t have a fucking asthma attack for how scared I was for my life.” Eddie looks up at the tall boy.

“Wait, you drove Eddie to school today?” Stan asks with a smirk. “God, you guys are basically dating.”

“What-.” Richie starts but the school bell dings, signaling the start of first period. The losers all begin to head down the hallway. Eddie stuck behind his friends due to his short legs. For some reason though Richie and his 6”2 stature is walking next to him with his terrible posture and long legs. Just as Eddie is about to step into the classroom he feels Richie yanking his arm back into the hallway.

“What the fuck?” Eddie asks, yanking his arm back and glaring at the boy. Richie looks a bit weird. He’s smiling but it’s not as big as it usually is. His eyes are looking around the hallway as everyone else clears out. It also takes him about a minute to speak.

“Sorry about Stan and Ben, all those fucking jokes about  _us_.” He rubs the back of his neck, Eddie pretends that isn’t cute. He pretends a lot of things, he pretends he isn’t in love with Richie. He pretends he is smart. He pretends he is tough even though his anxiety eats him up and tells him otherwise. He pretends his asexuality doesn’t make him feel more broken then a dropped piece of glass.

“It’s fine. The others have been making jokes like that for years.” Eddie shrugs them off, always acting as if he doesn’t agree with their pushes to get him and Richie together.

“Yeah.” Richie mumbles a few words behind his hand, looking at the wall above Eddie’s head. The small boy blinks up at him.

“Huh?” He asks, leaning forward to better hear Richie’s mumbles.

“I said, I think it would be fun. You and I?”

Eddie blinks at him. “Really?”

“Yeah!” Richie smiles and coughs awkwardly. “I mean, you know I think you’re fucking cute and it’s obvious I like you. Maybe you feel-.”

“I mean yeah, I thought you knew I liked you.” Eddie taps the toe of his left foot against the ground behind him, balancing on his right foot.

“You do?” Richie asks nervously.

“Why do you think I put up with your annoying ass?” Eddie chuckles awkwardly. He’s not a 100% sure what is happening but he thinks that Richie and him just admitted that they have crushes on each other. This is sudden. Yet, nice.

“I just figured your mom made you deal with me.”

“My mom hates you-.”

“That’s not what she said when I fucked her last n-.”

“Anyways!” Eddie laughs over Richie. He’s still tapping his foot behind him, nervous for what is happening right now. The box in his brain titled Richie seems to be glowing in his mind.

“Anyways,” Richie rubs the back of his neck again. “Do you wanna go out tonight? Get some dinner at Patty’s?” Richie nearly whispers, his face red and Eddie can’t understand why. Wait- is Richie asking him out? This is it.

“Are you- are you asking me out?” Eddie whispers.

“I mean,” Richie looks so unsure, so out of character. He should be making a joke, being cocky or using a dumb voice but instead he shuffles his feet and blinks five times behind his large glasses before answering:

“Yes, I’m asking you out.” He smiles, looking Eddie directly in the eye. Eddie wants to ask if he’s sure? If he really wants to go out with the mess he is? If he honestly wants to put himself anywhere closer to Eddie’s fucked up life? Eddie doesn’t ask any of that, instead he smiles.

“Sure.”

“Really?” Richie smiles, his eyes wide behind the glasses and his face full of pure joy. Eddie smiles back just as bright. This could be good.

“Yeah. Pick me up at my place?” Eddie smiles and once Richie nods before they slip into homeroom.

*

It’s not until 5th period that Eddie is more nervous about Richie driving again than their date tonight.  _Date_.  _Fuck_. Now he’s more nervous about the date.

“Richie asked me out.” He tells Mike who is his lab partner. They luckily got paired together and have been given a short assignment naming the items they’ll be using the semester. Mike is working hard but Eddie is tapping his pencil thinking about what Richie and him will be doing later.

“Took him long enough.” Is all Mike says.

“Should- should I be nervous? I’m nervous.” He tells Mike. “But I’m nervous about everything, but then again its Richie so I shouldn’t be nervous. What if I don’t wear a good enough outfit and he cancels the date? Or what if I choke on the food I order and ruin the date? Or-.”

“You’re insane.” Mike says, looking up from his paper is at Eddie. “Richie could care less about what you wear, he thinks you look cute in everything.”

“He does?” Eddie sounds surprised. He shouldn’t though, Richie always calls him cute; ‘ _cute, cute, cute_ ’ is what he says and pinches his cheeks. All the flirting that Richie has done in the past all of a sudden seems fake to Eddie now that they’re are literally going on a date.

“I don’t think a day goes by where Richie doesn’t comment that ‘ _Eddie looks so cute today_ ’ and ‘ _that pink shirt is almost as cute as him_ ’ it’s all really annoying.”

“So I shouldn’t be nervous?” Eddie thinks out loud.

“Oh, no. You should definitely be nervous who knows what dating Richie Tozier will be like.” Mike goes back to his paper. Eddie takes in his words, dating Richie is a crazy idea but an amazing idea. The boy who makes Eddie laugh and smile the most. The boy who knows all his secrets and vice versa. He can do this. Eddie can date the trashmouth.

*

It’s weird when Richie shows up at Eddie’s door. He just expected Richie to lay on the horn until Eddie’s little legs are running out of the house to get him to  _shut the fuck up_. He knocks at the door too, not just barging in and making crude comments to Eddie’s mom. No, he’s knocking which makes Eddie really worried when he flings the door opened, his mom asleep in her chair.

“What are you doing?” He asks eying Richie up and down. He’s wearing his ripped blue jeans with a white shirt -a clean one- and a bright yellow Hawaiian shirt underneath his signature denim jacket that has miscellaneous patches and pins. His hair is curly but also extra shiny as if Richie put product in it or it’s just greasy. Did he try to style it? Or did he just forget to shower...again? Eddie shakes his head and instead looks at the giant eyes behind the glasses that are staring at him.

“Picking you up, duh Ed’s.” Richie bounces on his feet, looking Eddie up and down. The smaller boy feels self-conscious in his old jeans and red polo shirt with his fanny pack wrapped around his waist. He fiddles with it, embarrassed for some reason. Richie reaches out towards Eddie and slips their hands together. He pauses for a second, waiting for something from Eddie but nothing comes.

“Okay then, let’s go.” He says, rushing to the car and opening the passenger door. He steps back and smiles at Eddie who is blushing. He doesn’t comment as he gets in Richie’s car. He’s nervous for the drive, hopefully it’s not as bad as when Richie took him home after school. They hit a trash can.

Richie shrugs oddly as he sits in the driver seat. He runs his hand through his hair and smiles at Eddie as he starts the car. The Smiths blare through the radio, so loud that the car is vibrating. Eddie hopes it doesn’t vibrate into a million pieces.

The ride takes no less than five minutes. It’s terrifying but Eddie’s legs don’t shake when he steps out of the car this time. Richie is by his side and walking very closely as they make their way across the parking lot. Eddie swears he smells cologne but he thinks it’s a trick of his nose.

“Let me, Miss.” Richie steps in front of Eddie and whips open the diner door for him. Eddie raises an eyebrow and walks through the door.

“Thanks.” Eddie smiles, leading them to their booth that’s in the back. It’s a corner booth that fits all seven losers but Richie likes it because he feels like The Godfather when he spreads his arms out and leans back. Richie throws himself into the booth and Eddie giggles as he pulls out a wet wipe to clean off the seat and table before sitting down.

“You wanna share the onion rings or the house chips?” Richie asks, he’s holding the menu right up to his eyes which are twinkling at Eddie.

“Sure.” Eddie says, his palms are sweaty. He’s trying to act normal, just like their normal friendship but this is more. He isn’t sure how to act. Does he need to act different?

“Sweet,” Richie holds the menu up high to cover his face. Eddie places his hands in his lap and looks down at the table feeling weird.

“If you use some of my hand sanitizer than we can share.” Eddie smiles. Richie flips down the menu, blowing a wave of cologne at Eddie and sticks out his hands. Eddie grabs it from his fanny pack and squirts some into Richie’s hands.

“I wonder what happens if you get hand sanitizer on your dick.” Richie thinks out loud and runs his hands together.

“Please don’t.” Eddie sighs, he doesn’t need to be reminded of his broken factor. Not now anyways.

“I’m just saying!” Richie yells. The waitress comes over. “Would it work as lube or would it just burn-.”

“ _Richie!_ ” Eddie hisses through his teeth. His face beat red as he looks at the waitress. She looks bored.

“Oh, sorry babe.” Richie says. Eddie can’t be sure if the babe was for him or for the waitress. He doesn’t dwell on it as they place their orders.

“I’m thinking a nice milkshake for dessert?” Richie smiles, he leans back in the booth and lays both of his arms across the top.

“We just ordered dinner and you’re already thinking about dessert?” Eddie pretends to be shocked. The other boy could eat for 24 hours straight and still be hungry. Eddie secretly thinks it’s impressive but then again Richie is just a teenage boy.

“Well geez, Ed’s if you don’t wanna share just tell me.”

“Don’t call me Ed’s, plus I’m not sharing. Do you know what happens with straws? They create tooth decay and 30% of what you drink goes back into the drink. It’s fucking unhealthy and can lead to-.”

“You know I fucking love it when you talk statistics to me but this isn’t how I pictured this going.” Richie smiles lazily, now fiddling with his straw from his pop.

“This isn’t how you pictured it going?” Eddie asks very scared and nervous. Oh god, he’s ruined it. He acted too much like himself and Richie isn’t going to like him anymore. They can’t be friends and he’ll get kicked out the losers’ club.

“No!” Richie shouts, “That is not what I meant. I just, I’m not sure. I’m nervous and now I’m saying fucking bullshit because I just want this to work and I really like you and-.”

“You really like me? Makes sense since your rambling like me.” Eddie smiles softly. Richie smiles back.

“I like you a lot.” Richie whispers, a beat of silence before he talks again. “Now, Tell me more about how fucking bad straws are for me. It turns me on.” Richie leans forward, placing his elbows on the table and sipping his pop through his straw. Eddie glares at him.

“Don’t make fun of me, I’m informing you.”

“I’m informing your mom later, Ed’s.”

“Why do you call me that?” Eddie rolls his eyes.

“It’s a nickname...” Richie says slowly as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world and Eddie is a toddler.

“I know that dumbass. But my name is already a nickname for Edward so-.”

“Your real name is Edward?!” Richie basically shouts. Eddie closes his mouth and gives the other boy the meanest look he can muster. “You look so cute when you’re angry, Edward.”

Eddie thinks he might explode.

“Fine then, Richard,” he pauses. “Or do you like the nickname  _Dick_?” Eddie smirks thinking he finally won at something and that-.

“Oooo, call me that again I think I feel a semi forming.” He winks at Eddie. He laughs, ignoring the fact that if this continues and if Richie wants to date  _date_ then he’ll need to understand that Eddie can’t do things like that. Eddie saves the conversation for a different day.

The waitress comes to deliver their food. He adds another rub of hand sanitizer onto his hands and weirdly enough Richie sticks his hands out for more. Eddie smiles at him as he digs into the onion rings.

The rest of dinner goes well. Lots of lame jokes from both boys and when Richie gets a milkshake he offers Eddie the first sip since there are no germs on it yet. After a minute of debate Eddie drinks it before handing it back to Richie. The taller boy has the biggest smile on his face, Eddie gives him a big smile back.

When they leave the diner Richie throws an arm around Eddie to pull him close. The smell of cologne is strong and good. Eddie pretends his heart doesn’t warm at the closeness of the other boy. When they drive home, singing songs together Eddie also pretends how this won’t fall apart when Richie wants to have sex. Sure Richie knows about Eddie already but the short boy can’t help but be afraid.

It surprises Eddie the most of the night when Richie walks him up to his door. His big hands shoved deep in his pockets as he smiles down at Eddie. The short boy looks up with his innocent eyes.

“So.” Richie says weirdly.

“This was fun.” Eddie digs his foot into the welcome mat of his home, suddenly nervous again.

“Do-,” Richie clears his throat. His voice low and quiet. “Do you wanna catch a movie Thursday night? I think Aladdin is playing a romantic marathon.”

“You hate romance movies.” Eddie tells him, Richie just shrugs. “But sure, we can go.”

Richie smiles at him as Eddie opens his front door. He looks at the taller boy, expecting him to say something. He doesn’t though and Eddie tries not to feel disappointment when he shuts the door closed. He presses his back against it and pretends that he didn’t wish Richie would have kissed him.

The bigger half of Eddie’s bed remains cold that night.

*

On Thursday night Richie is just as odd. He picks Eddie up at his house but instead of in his car because it’s warm enough still for them to walk. Eddie agrees even though he is slightly chilly in the late summer weather. He also forgot his jacket in his bedroom because he was too lazy to grab it. He rubs his arms slowly to keep warm. Richie notices.

“Is little Eddie cold?” Richie teases in a weird baby voice.

“ _No_ ,” Eddie lies. His shirt is very thin, just an old t-shirt of Stan’s that he left over Eddie’s house a million years ago. Of course it fits Eddie’s tiny body. There’s also a cute bird on it so he likes it.

“Here,” Richie says and he’s shrugging his jacket off, his long sleeve shirt underneath looks thick enough to keep him warm. Without hesitation Eddie slips into the much larger denim jacket. It’s heavy but warm and the sleeves are so long they cover his hands completely. He rolls them up until his small hands show, all while keeping in pace with Richie’s long strides.

“Thanks.” Eddie blushes, pretending that his body is warm from the jacket and not just from the fact that Richie just gave him his favorite thing. He got it two months ago and he begs Eddie to sow patches on for him at least once a week. It smells like cigarettes, chocolate and that good cologne from the other night. Eddie pulls it tighter around himself.

“ _Yowza_ ,” Richie says, eyeing up Eddie. The boy ignores him with a blush appearing on his cheeks.

“I’m excited.” Eddie says when they arrive at the movie theater, walking up to the ticket counter.

“If these movies are going to be a fucking bore fest then can we sit in the back so we can make out?” Richie jokes after he buys their tickets. He shoves the left over change into the pocket of the jacket Eddie is wearing.

“We are sitting in the middle or we aren’t sitting anywhere.” Eddie demands as they make their way into the theater. He picks the perfect seats and after wiping down as much as he can on a cloth seat he sits. Richie’s arm is on the armrest and he’s basically leaning over it into Eddie’s space.

“I’m just saying, your mom likes to sit in the back an-..”

“I’m just saying you better  _shut the fuck up._ ” Eddie fires back with a smile. The room gets dark but he can still see a look of something in Richie’s eyes.

They play  _Pretty in Pink, Say Anything_  and  _When Harry Met Sally._  All of them the two boys have seen before. All of them Richie talks through to describe his thoughts, feelings, and pure hatred of the films. He talks loud and gets shushed about three times but waves the people off. Eddie smiles when Richie leans in so his mouth is almost touching the smaller boy’s ear. Eddie is pretty sure he’s heard more of Richie’s commentary than all the words in the three movies combined.

There is a weird moment towards the end of the last movie where Eddie places his hand on the arm rest, Richie’s hand already there. The tall boy stops taling for just a second and pulls his hand away quickly. Eddie pretends that it didn’t happen, that Richie doesn’t want to hold his hands. He doesn’t get to think much because Richie is back and blabbering in his ear.

“Those fucking sucked.” Richie says loudly as soon as the lights come back on.

“Maybe if you didn’t talk through them all, trashmouth.” Eddie says with a smile, brushing his hands against Richie’s as they stand up. Richie breathes out heavily once they make it outside, walking shoulder to shoulder. It’s late now, about midnight and its way colder than when they first arrived at the theater. Eddie zips up Richie’s jacket that he’s still wearing. He looks at the taller boy, who doesn’t look cold but probably is. He moves even closer to him.

“You’re not getting this back, I’m fucking freezing.” He tells him with a grin. Richie just shrugs and reaches a hand into the jacket pocket, pulling out a pack of cigarettes that Eddie didn’t feel in it before. Eddie blushes, feeling warm with Richie’s hand so close to him. He looks away at the street lights ahead of them.

“Keep it, you look cute in it.” Richie lights the cigarette. He blows the smoke to the left away from Eddie.

“I always look cute according to you.” Eddie smiles shyly. He doesn’t know why, he usually doesn’t  _encourage_  Richie to flirt but tonight he decides otherwise. He blushes when Richie looks at him with a smile.

“Eddie Spaghetti, you’re the cutest and shortest boy in the whole fucking world.” Richie takes a drag.

“Oh shut up Rich.” Eddie tells him, looking away with a red face and a burning heart. The nickname rolls unknowingly off his tongue but Richie doesn’t comment on it. Richie bumps his shoulder but Eddie doesn’t look back at him. He goes for Richie’s hand again, thinking it’s late and dark enough that they’ll be okay to hold hands in public. Richie pulls away once they touch and shoves his hands in his pocket. Eddie pretends he isn’t hurt.

“Your mom is cute too, she does-.”

“Stop!” Eddie shouts over Richie who chuckles at him. They cross the street to where Eddie’s house sits, all the lights off and the door no doubted locked. His mom probably sitting in the dark and waiting for Eddie to get home, being creepy and obsessive over his life. She’ll make some comments about how Richie is a bad influence and Eddie will ignore her and just go to his room.

And that’s what happens after an awkward side hug goodbye. It’s not until Eddie goes to take a shower that he sees he is still wearing Richie’s jacket. Is that a good thing? He didn’t ask for it back. That’s a positive. Richie also didn’t ask for another date though, no see you later, just a goodbye. He obviously doesn’t want to date Eddie. He doesn’t hold his hand which makes no sense they have been holding hands since they first met. Maybe he remembered Eddie’s whole broken sexuality thing and is flaking out.

Eddie places the jacket next to the window so that Richie won’t forget when he crawls out onto the roof in the morning. Too bad that Richie never even came to Eddie’s house that night.

*

“Is that Richie’s jacket?” Bev asks when Eddie steps over to her, Ben, Stan and Bill at school the next day.

“Oh yeah, I was going to return it to him but he called and said he couldn’t pick me up today. I biked here, it’s windy out and this was the first jacket I grabbed.” He waves down to the jacket with a small blush and a frown of disappointment. Richie is really pushing Eddie away, two dates is all it took for him to realize that Eddie isn’t worth it. It fucking sucks.

Eddie's heart hurts. He feels like someone’s hand is around it and every time he thinks of Richie ignoring his hand holding and being standoffish the hand squeezes his heart ever so slightly. He likes Richie -actually he more than likes Richie. He thought Richie more than liked him back but apparently it only takes two dates and zero kisses to ruin everything. That’s another no kisses. No advances at all and Eddie’s too nervous to be rejected to initiate the kiss.

“I heard that you two are going well.” Stan smiles at him.

“What?” Eddie asks, face red.

“Richie called me last night, wouldn’t shut up about how cute you look in his jacket and how he had fun and blah blah blah. It’s all really annoying.” Bev gives him a look. “But it’s nice.” He rolls his eyes.

“He said that? He said had fun?” Eddie mumbles to himself.

“Did you do the lab homework?” Mike asks, walking up to Eddie and getting Richie away from his mind for a bit.

*

Richie never shows up to school so after a lot of nervous thinking Eddie decides to bike to the other boy’s house once the last bell rings. It takes a while, Richie lives a bit farther away from the school than Eddie does. Once he makes it there he spots only Richie’s car parked out front. Thank god. No parents. He marches his way up to the door and knocks.

Nothing.

He knocks again when he smells Richie’s cigarette smoke begin to waft towards him.  _Richie’s window_ , Eddie thinks and makes his way to the side of the house and yup- Richie is sitting on the second story window seal, smoking his cigarettes.

“Hey, Tozier!” Eddie calls up with a smile of nerves.

“Is that the one and only Eddie Spaghetti?” He looks down at Eddie, turning his whole face towards him there’s a white bandage near Richie’s eye. Eddie swallows.

“Can I come up?” He asks, adding the fact that Richie is hurt to the list of things they need to discuss. Richie tags another drag.

“The back door is unlocked.” Eddie nods at him and makes his way through the run down, beer infested house and up to Richie’s room. Its mess in here too but it’s clean in the sense that Richie lives here.

“Hey babe.” Richie says. The babe directed at Eddie makes blushes as he walks over to the window.

“Is this why you couldn’t pick me up today?” He asks, looking at the expert taping of the bandage. Richie must have been taking notes from all the times Eddie has patched him up. It’s crazy how often Eddie has done it throughout his life.

“You know, beer bottle plus my head equals my dad’s favorite game.” Richie finishes his cigarette and flicks it out the window.

“You wanna stay at mine tonight?” Eddie gently touches the bandage, earning a wince from Richie. The taller boy moves so that he’s sitting on the inner window seal, legs draped down the wall as he sits over Eddie.

“Your mom already told me I could.” He winks lazily.

“Don’t make me push you out this window.” Eddie says with no intention. “I’m serious, do you wanna sleep over?” Eddie asks for the first time in a while, not once did either boy ask before Richie was climbing into Eddie’s bed in the summer. 

“Why’d you come here?” Richie asks. Eddie takes a deep breath before he answers.

“Do you like me?” Eddie dives right into things.

“What?” Richie chuckles, looking at Eddie as if he’s an unknown creature. “Of course I fucking like you that’s why we went on two dates.” He says slowly.

“Then why won’t you hold my hand? And why haven’t you kissed me yet? Also why did you stop sleeping over?” Eddie is nervous but he needs to know. Richie looks at his wall for a second, thinking.

“I don’t know your boundaries.” He waves one hand, gesturing to Eddie.

“One time you crawled into Bill’s shirt while he was wearing it why do you care about boundaries.” Eddie crosses his arms in defense.

“You’re asexual.” Richie says, catching Eddie off guard. That’s not what he wanted to discuss, no that was for  _after_  they figure out why Richie won’t kiss him. This is too soon. Eddie hasn’t discussed this for months. The only time he’s talked about this was to Richie and god, he really doesn’t want to bring up his broken factor right now.

“I-.”

“I don’t know where I’d cross the line at. Do you wanna hold hands? Do you wanna kiss? Did I take too much by sleeping in your bed all summer? I don’t fucking know your boundary. I’m not sure where things would start getting uncomfortable for you.” Richie explains, spreading his legs out until they’re on either side of Eddie. The small boy takes a step forward in between them.

“You could just ask you know.” Eddie breaths. “I’m not really sure of my fucking line yet, you’re the first person I’ve dated.” He shrugs, looking at the freckles on Richie’s left cheek. “We can always figure it out though.” Eddie plays with the zipper on his fanny pack.

“I don’t wanna scare you or make you hate me in the future.” Richie speaks honestly.

"I don't think I could ever _truly_ hate you. Well, only when you're making dumb jokes, that is when I hate you." Eddie tries to smile but fails. 

"Is there anything you know now?" He asks, smiling for Eddie. 

“No sex. No blowjobs. No handjobs. Nothing sexual. I just want to kiss and cuddle.” He speaks out loud, it feels nice. “If you can’t handle that than tell me now before my life gets any more fucking broken.”

Eddie feels Richie’s arms move out and pull him in by the waist, he’s standing even closer to the other boy now. Richie hunches over and pressed his forehead against Eddie’s. The smaller boy flickers his eyes between Richie’s and his lips. The dumb large glasses press against his nose.

“You’re not broken you know.” Richie tells him. It’s like the time all those months ago when Eddie first told Richie but now, it seems different, better, _real_. It seems that maybe -just maybe- Richie could be right.

“Can I kiss you now?” Richie asks. Eddie doesn’t answer and instead leans forward. His eyes close and he feels a gentle brush of the other's rough lips. Neither boy moves, just sitting in the closeness. It takes a bit for their lips to fully meet. It's warm, new and Eddie likes it. Richie pulls back but only to come back in and kiss Eddie harder and soon they move their lips a little. Eddie can taste the nasty cigarettes and a hint of mint toothpaste.

He smiles. He smiles because he kissing Richie. He smiles because Richie still wants him. He wants him even though he’s broken - _no_  he’s not broken. A broken boy wouldn’t be able to get Richie and boy does he have him. Eddie let’s his arms circle around Richie’s neck as they pull back with heavy breaths, their foreheads still resting together.

“Your fucking glasses dig so bad into my face.” Eddie teases all his teeth grinning. He isn’t broken. Eddie makes a new box in his brain, he titles it _whole_.

“You taste way better than your mother.” Richie teases back. Eddie kisses him again but only to shut him up.

Eddie finds himself snuggled next to Richie that night.

*

“This is ridiculous.” Richie throws his notebook across Eddie’s bedroom.

“We haven’t even started yet.” Eddie points out, writing his name at the top of the paper. He’s sitting on his bed cross legged while Richie is spinning around in Eddie’s desk chair. He’s been off all day, a face of anger always behind his eyes. Eddie looks at him with worry, hopping his innocent eyes will help Richie confess what’s bothering him.

They’ve been dating a little over two months now. It’s nice and sweet with loads of kissing and cuddling, just like Eddie imagined. He fears Richie will get sick of him one day but for now they’re happy. The other losers say that they flirt and bicker harder now that they’re dating and it’s disgusting. Richie usually just sticks his tongue in Eddie’s mouth at their comments.

What does suck is that they’re the only ones Eddie and Richie can be opened around. Turns out that everyone’s not so into the whole two boys dating in Derry thing. It started about two weeks ago when Greta Bowie found them kissing behind the arcade and called them  _fags_. Then Eddie’s mom and him were watching TV the next day when two kissing boys came on screen, she called them  _queers_  and other words such as  _disgusting, wrong, dirty_. Eddie adds them all to a box in his brain, he titles the box  _sadness_.

“Are you okay?” Eddie asks sweetly. Richie just stands up and begins to pace the room mumbling out words such as  _ridiculous_ ,  _Eddie_ , and  _kissing_. The smaller boy’s wrings his hands together, nervous about what is bothering Richie. Is it the fact that they can’t be together in public? Or the fact that Eddie’s asexual -has too months sexless been too much for Richie? Sure, he’s still a virgin but not like he’ll tell anyone that. Instead he just explains to the losers how sore his wang because of Eddie. That has to be it, he’s sick of the no sex thing.

Eddie isn’t ashamed anymore. He doesn’t think he is broken but that doesn’t mean he isn’t allowed to overthink and worry still. Richie is going to break up with him. There is no other reasoning. He can’t take being a sixteen year old celibate boy any longer. Eddie braces for the breakup about to come. Richie is still mumbling things and it takes two steps for his long legs to cross Eddie’s room, he pivots and crosses the other way. Eddie watches him from the bed, nervous with his thoughts. Of course he blurts out what he’s thinking.

“Are you going to break up with me?” Eddie word vomits out. Richie stops pacing and turns to the small boy with raised eyebrows.

“Why the fuck would I do that? Then I can’t cuddle your sweet ass anymore.” He chuckles and brushes a hand through his curls.

“I just-“ Eddie waves his hand. He’s kind of sick of having this conversation. It’s always about him, about his stupid asexuality.  _Stop only thinking about yourself Eddie_. Richie could be angry about something else, something entirely related to the taller boy. Maybe his parents did something or the Bowers or he ran out of cigarettes. _Not everything is about you_ , Eddie thinks. He adds a box in his mind called  _selfish_.

“Explain what’s happening in that tiny head of yours.” Richie crosses his arms from where he’s standing.

“I just, you are always telling the losers how much we fuck when we... _don’t_. I figured you’re just sick of not having sex.” Eddie shrugs, playing with his comforter.

“When are you gonna get it through that little germy brain of yours that I’m with you including your asexualness.” Richie tells him with a small smile.

“That’s not a word.”

“It is now.”

“Are you sure?” Eddie chews on his lip.

“So fucking sure.” Richie takes a step towards the bed and kisses Eddie’s cheek. “Now, let me continue pacing.” And he goes back to digging a hole in Eddie’s floorboards.

“So, what is this for? What’s bothering my tall man?” Eddie chuckles at himself, feeling lighter now that he knows him and Richie are okay.

“I’m just thinking about your mom.”

“You think you’re so fucking funny.” Eddie deadpans, Richie throws him a wink.

“I am. Now shush babe, I’m thinking.” Eddie blushes at the nickname. It’s a new one since they’ve been dating and its Eddie’s favorite one. He has a whole box in his brain that’s filled with all the time Richie has called him babe, only a few more until Eddie is going to need to find a bigger box.

Eddie watches about five more minutes of Richie before going back to their homework. He looks through his history book, reading something about the war of 1812. They have to write a paper on it so Eddie begins to jot down some facts he can use.

“I got it!” Richie stops pacing. He jumps on Eddie’s bed and pushes the boy’s book off the bed.

“The fuck-!” Eddie yells, his mom isn’t home don’t worry.

“Let’s make out.” Is all Richie says. Eddie raises an eyebrow.

“That’s what all that was about.” Eddie waves to the worn down carpet. “To fucking make out?”

“Well yeah,” Richie shrugs, anger still behind his glasses. Eddie squint at him as Richie tries to advance on him, he places both hands on the tall boy’s chest to keep him away.

“What’s really bothering you?” Eddie begs. Richie sighs.

“My mom knows about us.”

“What? How?” Eddie nearly shrieks with worry. Richie’s mom is just as terrible as his dad, drunk all the time and spitting hurtful words at the poor boy.

“She saw us at the movies the other week,” Richie tells him, “she told me yesterday to stop being such a fucking  _fag_.” He spits out. “And then she said some things about you and I just stood there and said fucking nothing.” He looks always with anger.

“Ignore her-.”

“I fucking can’t Eddie!” Richie stands up and begins to pace again. “I can’t sit by and do homework why she trashes on you. You’re my boyfriend, I’m supposed to stand up for you.” Now Eddie gets it. Richie is mad at himself, for not talking back to his mom. Oh, Richie.

“It’s okay,” Eddie stands up and goes to stop Richie’s pacing. He wraps his arms around the taller boy’s neck.

“It’s not fucking okay.” Richie sighs.

“People say so much shit about me. I’m a weirdo Richie, you’re a weirdo. It doesn’t bother me.” Eddie smiles when Richie brings their foreheads together.

“I wish I would have said something, stood up for you.” Richie tells him.

“It’s okay.” Eddie says and honestly it is.

“You’re not mad at me?”

“Nope.” Eddie stands on his toes. “Now let’s make out.” And he presses their mouths together.

*

“If we get snowed in I call sleeping in Bill’s bed.” Richie calls from the kitchen where he’s gathering snacks. All the losers are at Bill’s house because school has been cancelled as a January winter storm hits Derry, the snowflakes are already rapidly falling outside.

“It’s my b-b-bed.” Bill says with a bored voice when Richie comes back into the kitchen with Bev behind him. They dump the drinks and snacks on the coffee table in the living room.

“No, if Eddie’s going to ride me than I need to be on bed or else my back will fucking kill me afterwards.” Richie winks at Bill. He grabs two drinks and a bag of cookies as he sits in the spot next to Eddie on the ground.

“You’re disgusting.” Stan says, wrapping a blanket around himself.

“Just being honest.” He throws an arm around Eddie and forces the boy closer to him. Eddie rolls his eyes at Richie’s joke. They don’t bother him anymore, the jokes, because he’s grown to know that Richie is okay with their lack of sex life. While there is still a constant nagging about the jokes in the far back of Eddie’s mind he does loves the boy.  _The jokes!_  He loves the jokes! Not Richie!  _Right?_  Or does he love Richie? Ugh, can Eddie’s mind not think for five fucking minutes.

“How do you date him? He’s terrible.” Bev asks Eddie.

“Eh,” Eddie shrugs, “he drives me places.”

“Like into orgasms.” Richie opens the bag of cookies and shoves them into his mouth.

“Do you have any shame?” Mike asks, grabbing some chips. “Any at all?”

“He doesn’t. It’s fucking annoying.” Eddie mumbles through a cookie. Richie kisses his cheek.

“So damn cute.” He whispers to Eddie. The smaller boy blushes. Richie pulls out his pack of cigarettes and begins to play with them, tapping his hand on them. He’s itching for a smoke but wouldn’t dare in Bill’s house. He’s not  _that_  bad of a friend.

“Let me eat in peace.” Eddie tells him, eating another cookie.

“You can eat my fucking wang-.”

“You are disgusting.” Eddie smirks, ready for the bickering about to happen. He hears Ben grown, he knows what’s coming too.

“Honesty hurts doesn’t it?”

“I’m gonna be honest when I punch you in the face.”

“Oh spaghetti, stop it. Psychical violence turns me on.” Richie moans in a woman’s voice. It makes Eddie laugh, god he hates him.

“Please shut up. Both of you.” Stan begs from across the room. Eddie just laughs loudly and leans into Richie chest. He looks up at Richie who looks down at him, their eyes make contact through the large glasses. The thought from early slips from Eddie’s mouth in a whisper that only Richie can hear. Of course Richie has the same thing in mind as he speaks down to him.

“I love you.” They both say in unison, whispers only for the other boy to hear.

“Oh,” Eddie sits up with a smile. He takes one look at Richie’s smile before leaning in to kiss him. Their friends groan as Richie brings his hands to Eddie’s cheek kissing him harder.

Turns out they do get snowed in at Bill’s house, none of the losers mind and no Eddie and Richie don’t get to sleep in the bed.

*

Ben and Eddie watch as the teachers hang up a new sign in the cafeteria.  _Senior and Junior Prom ‘92_. Eddie wonders if he should ask Richie, if Richie would even wanna go. He did ‘ _call Eddie’_ as his date freshman year. Now it is two years later and they are dating, they’ll go together.

“How should I ask Bev?” Ben asks him.

“Write her a poem.” Eddie shrugs, he already knows how he’s going to asks Richie. He doesn’t hesitate as he bids Ben goodbye and goes to his next class. Richie is waiting for him in the back of history, his feet resting on the edge of Eddie’s seat. The smaller boy sits down and eyes at Richie’s jean jacket that is hanging off the back of boy’s chair.

Eddie’s plan is lame but he is going to write  _PROM?_  on Richie’s cigarette packet so when the taller boy goes to get one after school he’ll see it. They’re going together. Eddie decides, no matter if they hate school or if people will judge and comment things about them. Eddie’s been held back enough in his life, from his mother, from his asthma, from his germaphobia and from his asexual life. So, they’re going to prom. Of course, Richie seems to have the same thought in his mind.

“Wanna go to prom babe?” Richie ruins it. Eddie wants to be the one to ask, so he plays it off.

“I’m not sure, let me think about it.” He says and Richie looks slightly disappointed. Eddie knows later he’ll be excited when he sees his packet. Now if only Eddie can get out those nasty cigarettes.

Thankfully, Eddie gets the perfect chance when Richie goes to the bathroom in the middle of class. He leaves behind the jacket and as soon as his lanky body is out of the room Eddie dives into the pocket. He grabs the packet quickly, ignoring the look from another student who is watching him curiously. Eddie takes out a marker from his backpack and writes the word on the carton before shoving it back into the pocket.

Now he just needs to wait for school to be over.

Of course, Richie pouts the rest of the school day. Eddie knows it’s because he didn’t jump and say yes to prom when he asked him. Eddie let’s him soak in his own pity, he’ll be embarrassed later. Ben also already asked Bev and Mike is planning to ask a girl named Ashley from his Spanish class. No one mentions Richie and Eddie going together.

“So, wanna come over to my place?” Eddie bounces on his feet with excitement as they step out of school.

“No, thanks. I gonna go home and do homework.” Richie lies, hands deep in his jacket pocket. He doesn’t take out his pack. Now Eddie’s annoyed. Richie is really that childish he’s going to go home and sit in his own sadness because Eddie said he would think about going to prom. God forbid he wants to ask his boyfriend. Eddie sighs.

“Are you sure? You can smoke out my window.” Eddie nudges his arm, trying to get Richie to take out his pack.

“No, thanks babe.” Richie says sadly. Eddie rolls his eyes.

“Stop pouting Richie.” Eddie stomps his foot out once they arrive at Richie’s car. They stand near the trunk, Richie looks down at him with a frown.

“I’m not pouting, the fuck-.”

“You are  _so_  pouting.” Eddie sighs. “Just smoke a cigarette and shut the fuck up.” He crosses his arms over his chest. The April weather is still chilly out and his thin jacket isn’t keeping him too warm.

“Fine.” Richie growls, he takes his hand out of his pocket with his pack. He stares at Eddie as he pops it open and sticks the death object into his mouth. “Happy?” He mumbles out around it, going to shove the pack into his pocket.

“No, asshole.” Eddie leans forward, grabbing Richie’s hand and moving it so the pack is in front of his face. The question staring back at him off the white packet.

“Oh,” Richie says. He smiles behind the stick and shoves his packet into his pocket.

“So, what do you say? Prom?” Eddie runs his hand on Richie’s arm. He hopes no one is watching –actually fuck them.

“Guess I should tell your mom I can’t go with her anymore.” Richie winks. He looks both ways, seeing only a few students before he leans down and kisses Eddie’s forehead.

“God you’re a stubborn fucker.” Eddie tells him. “Now take me home so we can make out.”

“Sir, yes, sir!” Richie shouts while using a voice, they get into the car. Eddie says a tiny pray that they don’t die with Richie driving.

*

Prom is getting off to an amazing start. Richie picked Eddie up at his house wearing his dad’s old suit and a smile so bright it hurts Eddie to look at. But he still does, he smiles just as bright as the taller boy. He’s wearing his own suit his mom rented for him and ditched his fanny pack just for tonight. They have matching ties on, pink ones, Richie’s idea because he loves Eddie so much in pink.

All the other losers’ look just as good. Mike and that girl Ashely are all smiley together. Ben all red faced next to a stunning Bev. Surprisingly Bill and Stan show up together, wearing matching blue ties. No one mentions anything, they just nod and accept them. The group claim’s a table near the back of the gym and as soon as the first song starts Bev is dragging Ben onto the dance floor. Eddie turns to Richie to ask him to dance but Mike is dragging him away to the punch table.

“Prom night is the night where everyone loses their virginity.” Mike says to Eddie as he takes a sip of the drink. Eddie raises an eyebrow at him.

“Okay, and you brought me over here to tell me this why?” Eddie asks, not daring to drink from the punch bowl. Who knows what’s in there. So much sugar plus the other students could have sneezed or spiked it. Once, Eddie hears a story about how a whole school drank their dance punch and afterwards the police found sweat, cocaine and fucking blood in it. Who knows how many people drank it. Nope, Eddie is going to drink from the bottle of water he brought with him.

“I’m nervous. I really like Ashley but I don’t wanna ruin things. When you and Richie first-“ he waves a hand around” -were you this nervous?” Mike wipes his free hand on his slacks. Eddie tilts his head at him.

“Richie and I-,” he takes a deep breath, “we don’t have sex.” Eddie whispers. He’s being brave telling Mike. He could lie and pretend they fuck as much as Richie says but he’s at prom with a boy, who he is going to kiss on the dance floor later, so he can be brave about this.

“Richie says you fuck all the time?” Mike sounds confused.

“That’s how Richie is but um,” he bites his lip and looks over at Richie who is smiling at him. “I don’t like sex.”

“Wow,” Mike says and Eddie turns back to him. Mike smiles and looks at Richie for a second. “He really loves you.” Is all Mike says before walking away. Eddie should dwell on it. Stand here and think about Mike’s reaction but instead he shakes his head and waves at Richie. The taller boy is up and over to his side in seconds.

“Would thou have this dance?” Richie asks in an accent, he places an open palm towards Eddie with a smile. His glasses wide on his face, his eyes twinkling behind them.

“Yeah,” Eddie whispers, biting his lip and letting Richie pull him onto the dance floor. It’s a fast song and Richie decides to do obnoxious exorcist dance moves. He keeps his hand locked with Eddie as he swings the other boy around. Eddie just laughs and tries his best to keep up with the trashmouth. Smiling brightly as they dance through song after song. The dance floor shaking and Eddie’s heart beating. He should be worried. His asthma might kick in if he keeps moving this fast but he ignores it. He ignores everything and everyone expect the tall skinny boy who is shouting the lyrics to  _Pour Some Sugar on Me_ , spinning Eddie under his arm.

The next song slows down,  _Saving All My Love for You_  by Whitney Huston plays through the speakers. Richie puts his hands on Eddie’s waist and pulls him close. Eddie wraps his arms around the taller boy’s neck. They’re are breathing heavy, their breaths mixing between them. It’s gross but Eddie can’t be bothered with it. He also couldn’t care about the looks they’re getting from the rest of the gym. His eyes only see the loud boy in front of him.

“You’re breath smells like candy.” Eddie giggles.

“It smelt like your mom’s vag-.” Eddie steps on his foot. Richie looks at him with a smirk.

“You’re an ass.”

“But I’m your ass.” Richie leans in until his glasses begin to uncomfortably dig into Eddie’s face.

“For now, but maybe I’ll find another tall, cigarette smoking trashmouth.” Eddie shrugs.

“Maybe.” Richie shrugs. “I know I’ll never be able to find another Eddie. You’re one of a fucking kind.” Richie says and he’s right. He’s so right. No one is like Eddie. No one has so many traits like Eddie. No one has a filing cabinet in their mind because he has so many factors in his life. But most of all no one has Richie and that’s the best thing about being himself.

“I really fucking love you ever since I pushed you in the mud all those years ago.” Richie whispers.

“So you admit it? You pushed me in the mud?” Eddie smirks, their lips a breath apart.

“Yes, and I’ll push you every fucking day again and again to keep you.”

“That’s not a good way to keep me, zero romance.” Eddie brushes their lips together but doesn’t kiss him, not yet.

“I never said I was romantic. Your fucking mom-.” And Eddie kisses him in the middle of gym shutting him up -not for good but just long enough for the song to end. A loud song comes on next but Eddie and Richie stay together swaying and talking over the music.

“Thanks.” Eddie tells him. The reasoning is obvious, thanks for everything, but Eddie doesn’t need to explain it. It’s a thanks for always being there for Eddie, for being the one can he cry to and whine to any time of the day. For being the boy who showed him he wasn’t broken and that being asexual doesn’t mean you won’t find love. For loving the short boy, no matter what. Thank fuck for Richie Tozier.

It’s much later that night when they ditch the last hour of prom and find themselves on the hood of Richie’s car. A cigarette in taller boy’s hand with his jacket around Eddie’s shoulders; the carton that says prom, empty and sitting in the pocket of it. Eddie smiles as he slips it back inside. He looks at the school, watching the people still dancing inside through the large window. The other losers’ are probably wondering where they went. They’ll talk to them tomorrow.

“You should invest in chapstick.” Eddie tells him, remembering the dry lips of Richie’s in the gym.

“Why would I do that? You wear enough I’ll just kiss your lips if I ever need any.” He turns and winks at the small boy.

“I hate you.” Eddie giggles, he sees Bill and Stan dancing close.

“Yeah but you love my wang.” Richie mumbles behind the stick.

“Sure.” Eddie rolls his eyes and he looks at Richie with a smile. This boy gave up so much for him and when Richie looks back Eddie swears he can see the pure love behind the glasses. Eddie knows his big eyes look the same.

“Remember that one time I broke your fucking arm?” Richie asks.

“How could I forget?” Eddie laughs. He thinks about when they were thirteen and Richie, Bill and him decided to go to the creepy house on Neibolt street on Halloween night. Eddie ended up falling through a hole in the second floor, breaking the table below and his arm. Richie had to snap it back in place for him and Bill helped carry him home.

Eddie didn’t see any of the losers for two weeks. He wore a cast while his mom kept him locked away. Then one day fucking Greta wrote  _loser_  on the white cast. Richie came over that night, sneaking into Eddie’s window after a bad night with his parents. Richie saw what his cast said and-

“Remember how I signed your cast?”

“Yeah, you changed the  _s_  in loser to a red  _v_  for-..”

“ _Lover_.” Richie blows out some smoke. Eddie rests his head on the other boy’s shoulder. Richie wraps his free arm around him, pulling him closer.

Eddie is a weirdo. He’s part of the losers’ club. He’s the shortest of the bunch with a fanny pack full of supplies. He has annoying asthma with a slight germaphobia problem. Don’t forget that he likes boys and he’s asexual. So yeah. He’s a weird one. But he also gets to love the loud one. Richie. The one who’s obnoxious and uses dumb accents. The one who makes terrible jokes about Eddie’s mom. The one who’s super tall and smells like cigarettes. The one who’s bisexual and gave up sex. The one who loves the weird boy just as much as the weird boy loves him.

**Author's Note:**

> What did you think? 
> 
> My Tumblr: https://eddie-spaghetti-tozier.tumblr.com/ 
> 
> My twitter: sweetkissesdean


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